I wish I just stop being a terrible person. But I guess this is really just a part of being myself. I don't think I could go on lying to myself only because I'm sorry for other people. 21 years and 4 months of trying to pattern the way I should look, the way I should behave on other people's demands and sensitivities is too long of a time.

Maybe, this time, I can be just myself - both terrible and kind. Maybe this time, I can let myself feel the pain whenever I want. Maybe this time, I can be jealous. Maybe this time, I can love. Maybe this time, I can be childish. Maybe this time, I can be outrageous. Maybe this time, I can be reckless. Maybe this time, I can be recalcitrant. Maybe this time, I can be foolish. Maybe this time, I can be dumb and stupid and left behind. Maybe this time, I can be gay.

I'm at a point where I don't even care anymore. Okay, people will not understand how I react on things, how I deal with them. Because hey, maybe I have my own heart, and my own mind. Maybe regardless of the fact that our organs are structured the same way, even function the same way, this heart and this brain are my own. They had unique experiences not even one of you people has experienced. I want all blaming to end. I am who I am. You are who are and starting today, I'm never gonna complain. You ignore me, okay. You think my feet are dark, okay. You think my skin isn't as fair as yours, okay. You think I'm unforgiving, okay. You have a life, you have opinions.

 I just really, really, really hope that you at least, for a second, take time to see me through this veneer of bad attributes. Because I'm tired. I am so tired that I wanna see how soil tastes.