Just Like a Circus

After watching Four Sisters and A Wedding with friends and/or workmates, Dawn and Ellyn, we ate at Abreeza Mall's food court to cater to their craving for Kinilaw. Since I am a child with an unusual sense of thinking, thoughts and reminiscences of matters about giving in to other people's wishes - small or big - and on repudiating them in other particular circumstances came to turn my head into a vortex.

I've been shattered by so much stress lately and my effort of picking my pieces up is only a day old. So it's not like the idea of banishing these thoughts did not come to mind. I know this is going to stress me out worse. But that type of  person who makes it a point to find humor in life and still can't help but wallow in a state of pessimism is precisely the type of person I am.

Again, I don't like school. But hey, where am I? Exactly in the place I have come to dislike.

Since I am a child from a culture of conformity, I thought I needed to be here. And being here only seemed like a circus. Each day feels like I have to restlessly juggle while carefully walking across a wire at the same time.

Dawn and Ellyn heard me complaining like a princess. Dawn told me to deal with it because it's my choice. Yet I didn't think it mostly is. I rejected Dawn's opinion. My family made this choice for me. They made this choice before I was even born because hey have been programmed to think success lies merely on holding a degree. Or at least, the society made them believe it is a must that we follow their footsteps. My family made this choice for me and I am only CONFORMING.

This vortex that my head has turned into is caused by some questions about my own conformity. You see, I'm in a very difficult situation right now - juggling school, work, familial and social responsibilities, and sleep. It makes me sick when I think about my fickle-mindedness. If I really felt I needed to conform, I should have conformed all the way until school's over. Things would've been easier - my mom pays for my tuition fee, there would have been no need to battle a day at work after getting only a 3-hour sleep. If I didn't want to conform, I should not have bothered enrolling again. Things would not have been poisonous. My life would've been less dramatic.

What I realized is that survival of the fittest focuses on decision-making. And that one person becomes THE FITTEST if he knows how to make up his mind and stays true blue to his beliefs.

After assessing myself from my flow of thought, it seems that in the process of natural selection, I am going to be less favored. And for crying out loud, help me God.