It all started in school. After two years of being a college drop-out, I decided to pursue my course again. I had nothing else in mind other than my survival because school is not cool at all for me. Then there was you, sitting silent on that one chair, from the opposite side. My eyes lit up. The room lit up. And the Earth has never been that bright.
Needless to say-but I'm going to say it anyway-I'm gay, and assuming you'd also like me is altogether crazy and hilarious. I'm not sure if at least for once you thought I was trying to catch your attention, but to be perfectly honest, that's something I tried so hard not to do. On a previous blog entry, I shared how at first my friends laugh at the fact that I didn't know your name regardless of the fact that I can describe you from head to toe pretty well. Until I came to know it and my stalking on Facebook started. I don't particularly like the word stalking because it kind of puts things in a negative light. It was admiration. Part of it was to try to get to know you in ways I can so far allow myself. Then, I knew you were on Ask.fm which didn't really make up most of how our story or maybe, my story of you went but what happened on that site of cowardice (that's what I like to call Ask.fm) can pretty much sum up everything.
That's how I began. I forced a little cuteness by pretending logic isn't my friend. You have therefore unknowingly let me in.
I thought of asking you that question because I believed that the more you know about another person's fears, the more likely this person is going to give you their trust. Before anything else, you begin with establishing trust. You told me your fears; you trusted me.
Your answer to the first question led us to this. It seemed interesting to know that a guy would fear getting asked a question such as that. Consequently, it was equally interesting to know if you are actually happy or not. You said no. And part of my weirdness is the fact that I even marveled at your answer.
But before anything again, I wanted to know further because the least I can be is be judgmental. I marveled at your answer because in ways I know, I wanted to help.
Then again, you didn't actually need any help. I tried to be okay with that.
I didn't wanna build mountains out of molehills so I went back to my cutesiness. I thought Yeng Constantino's song would make you smile because I thought you were aware of how your eyes look like.
I tried to be sweet. You didn't ask for more sugar.
I tried to gauge compatibility and got my answer. :)
I was browsing on Tumblr and saw this and I remembered you. I thought maybe this will help you be happy with yourself.
E.E. Cummings' words were perfect for you but I guess you didn't seem to get why I was sending you that quotation. So I had to push the question over. Like you did, I laughed at your answer but didn't quite like it.
You said you feared the question 'How's School?' so I read a lil between the lines. I asked you the question with TODAY in it because TODAY sounded a lil specific and I was thinking maybe you didn't want to be asked how's school IN GENERAL.
By this time, I may have been bursting with too much admiration.
It's always a torture when you try to hide something. Especially when you know there's no easy way to just be honest.
This just came up at work out of the blue. Glad you liked it!
I was checking because I hated for you to know. I wouldn't want you to be in an uncomfortable position.
You looked like you're still clueless which is the reason for what's above. I wanted to know how you'd react if you knew someone has got a crush on you. A 'hello' is just way vague of an answer.
Of course, anyone who likes someone will want to ask. Not in person, though. I thanked God for a moment a site like Ask.fm came out of existence.
You didn't have any answer, though. Maybe you were thinking you didn't really know who I am so it was hard for you to tell.
But I gave up a lil to easily. I had to let go of the question. And comforted myself with that realization. Which you gave an affirmation to. Man who can't be moved, eh?
Because you have been giving cold responses, I had to again make use of a song that'd make you think. Uncover is a perfect song to describe how I feel about hiding. I was hoping you'd get it. But for sure you didn't.
We weren't classmates anymore so I gave this a shot. I thought I had nothing to lose. I want us to end up friends, at least.
But then again, Ask.fm isn't as helpful as I always thought. There's always a question of identity.
I let my invitation go. I still can't tell you who I am. I'm a major, major coward.
I ended it with creativity. Which weirded you out.
I had a bad day and your responses always lighten things up.
Yeah, that HELLO, was a great help!
We're at it again.
I heard this song from my friend's phone and remembered you again. "...you're so charming. Don't you think that you can use someone to charm?" If you did, I'd volunteer. :)
Well, of course I had to steer clear of your question. I was caught off-guard because it's the first time you made it sound like the song isn't cute if it is from a gay. So, I gave you space. And I was back after a month with this question. Your response made me giddy to the superlative degree of comparison.
I had to thank you because what you did was sweet.. VIRTUALLY SWEET but still, sweet.
Yes, you absolutely DID.
This is a moment of acceptance. A moment of coming to terms with the limitations that the society has set. From the bottom of my heart, I declare I loved you. I know it gives you creeps but I sure understand. I have always understood men's part in a situation like this.
Although I was already there with my acceptance and all, I can't help but talk to you again in my cute and wholesome ways. Thank you for being nice at these moments.
Now, I finally asked you the question you are afraid to get asked. Omitted the TODAY this time because I really wanna know how you feel. I hate school so maybe we share the same feelings, at least on that matter.
I wanted to help you push yourself. You always look like you want to make your parents proud. Go for it!
I need to blurt this out because while there are feelings you can't nurture, there certainly are feelings you can't contain.
And this is true. When you like someone, you can give up liking yourself. :) And then there YOU go again with your question.
Of course, we have. But was I so stupid to ask you anonymously only to tell you who I am in the end?
So, I had to kind of lie. I didn't want to, promise!
This is after you were told I had a crush on you. I had to check your feelings. You might be scornful or just unhappy. Still didn't want that.
I guess you took a holiday break from the site so it took you long before you could respond. I took this as a cue to finally end things here.
My name is Julius.
And always in a story, it has a beginning and most definitely has an end. This is my way of ending things because it feels like it should not have begun in the first place. All I have now are wishes for you. First of all, I hope you become happy with yourself soon, one of these days. Because there's so much in you to be happy about. And there are people who love you just the way you are. I am one of them but I guess I just gotta stop giving you the creeps. :)
