Perhaps, I will never truly belong anywhere.

Max Ehrmann's poem tells us to 'avoid loud and aggressive persons' for 'they are vexatious to the spirit.' Even though I can also be seen as a loud and aggressive person, I took inspiration in his poem and tried to really avoid people of those type immediately after reading it. Somewhere inside of me is a person who has at least been tired of aggression, of bickering, of arguing, of fighting. And if I try to assess myself, I can see I have improved immensely. Times when I would flee instead of fight became more frequent. Times when I would hide behind my thoughts became a more popular choice.

It's not because I have learned to love silence and peace more than adrenaline and chaos. It just came to a point where it's already exhausting. You can no longer get yourself involved in an argument that you cannot win. One, because there are people who are already convinced that they're right. Two, because your standpoint is too unnatural, too unconventional to be conceded to. Three, because people can come up with excuses. Four, because people can always lie.

So, I got tired, and even if I still would engage in little arguments at times, I have swallowed many things up, agreed to them, and let them go. Someone intellectual told me I don't know a single shit; I swallowed it. Someone of authority and much experience told me to not react adversely to any situation: I agreed to it. And a couple of people doubted my goodness, my sincerity, my innocence; I let them go. (In case it isn't clear, by 'them' I meant the thought, not the people.)

But I don't know. The more I try to be silent about my thoughts—the more I get silent about my feelings—looks like I fight with myself all the more as well. I struggle to keep them at bay because by natural selfishness, I wanna steer clear of things that are vague and come down to a closure with them. I've always liked rocking chaos from the outside, but I do not intend to keep a whirlwind inside my heart.


So, who do I avoid now? The loud and aggressive but clear? Or the silent, peaceful but opaque? If peace and aggression is the same as the devil and the deep blue sea, perhaps I will never truly belong anywhere specific.

Or, ah, perhaps, I belong EVERYWHERE. I just need to deal with the whirlwind.

Sometimes, our voices never come out. Most of the time, our voices are never heard. Our whispers are no more than whispers. Our shouts become shouts into the void.
It felt uneasy because it was family. And you'd live with them for what? A decade or two? Or maybe more than half a century? What if something gets lost again? What if a playful child or an aged woman took it, hid it inside the tube of a double-decked bed and no one finds out? Will I pay for that mistake forever even if I honest-to-God didn't do it?

...And it left me doubtful.

It felt very wrong that I was doubting the essence of family. Owing to the fact that we were programmed to think that friends are not as dependable as family is because friends leave and family doesn't, it was difficult.

Despite all the initial reactions however, I let go of that part of a then near past. Forgiveness didn't come easy. Thank God the culprit was found out; I forgave. Still, I was left questioning, what if?

So, yeah, it was raining, so nostalgia was kind of normal. The sound of rain and the sight of a blurry window bring flashbacks that can turn a good day into something else. But don't get me wrong I love the rain. The sight of its seemingly choreographed gentle fall-down. The sound of its collision with fragile leaves. It's just that these can also be moments when you want to go inside the house and find your mom, or your brother or your sister and tell them how you feel. It can also be a moment when you want to click your phone open and feel the sweetness of your true friends. Virtual sweetness. But still, sweetness. And then, these things are impossible.

So, you wanna shout but who will hear you out? You wanna scream but who will care? You wanna holler and holler and holler but still feel muted. So you pray. But you can only hope.

My thoughts were forming a whirlwind inside my head so I had to go out and find serenity somewhere. Sometimes, I find serenity by getting lost. I went to watch a movie I was too late for. I went to take a cold frappe which didn't fit the weather. I went looking at books that could give me solutions to the puzzles in my head.

But to no avail.

I was late for work. My team mates accused me of making excuses for being late. I just wasn't aware the schedule changed. Although, the good thing was there were a couple of us who were unaware of the shift. For that matter, I can let go of this.