Is It Ever Serene?

Perhaps, I will never truly belong anywhere.

Max Ehrmann's poem tells us to 'avoid loud and aggressive persons' for 'they are vexatious to the spirit.' Even though I can also be seen as a loud and aggressive person, I took inspiration in his poem and tried to really avoid people of those type immediately after reading it. Somewhere inside of me is a person who has at least been tired of aggression, of bickering, of arguing, of fighting. And if I try to assess myself, I can see I have improved immensely. Times when I would flee instead of fight became more frequent. Times when I would hide behind my thoughts became a more popular choice.

It's not because I have learned to love silence and peace more than adrenaline and chaos. It just came to a point where it's already exhausting. You can no longer get yourself involved in an argument that you cannot win. One, because there are people who are already convinced that they're right. Two, because your standpoint is too unnatural, too unconventional to be conceded to. Three, because people can come up with excuses. Four, because people can always lie.

So, I got tired, and even if I still would engage in little arguments at times, I have swallowed many things up, agreed to them, and let them go. Someone intellectual told me I don't know a single shit; I swallowed it. Someone of authority and much experience told me to not react adversely to any situation: I agreed to it. And a couple of people doubted my goodness, my sincerity, my innocence; I let them go. (In case it isn't clear, by 'them' I meant the thought, not the people.)

But I don't know. The more I try to be silent about my thoughts—the more I get silent about my feelings—looks like I fight with myself all the more as well. I struggle to keep them at bay because by natural selfishness, I wanna steer clear of things that are vague and come down to a closure with them. I've always liked rocking chaos from the outside, but I do not intend to keep a whirlwind inside my heart.