It's like - one day of every week - I get punched. And more often than not, life's boxing skills knock me out. Each time I try to get back up, I feel as though the strength I use to stand up again is the last shred. But I keep fighting. Throwing counter punches half of the time. Rolling with it, the other half. Hoping to win a fight that's long been determined to be lost.

For sure, people mostly think of me as someone who is bitch enough to outbitch the best slut, commonly known as life. People imagine me to be that person who can slap life immediately after it pulls my hair and will spit on its face after bringing it down on the floor. And maybe, they're right. I'm the type of person who's likely to kick some ass. But this ability still kind of suprises me.

When you watch boxers brawling inside the ring, you know somehow that the fight eventually is going to end and a winner will be hailed. Reality's ring is a bit of a different story. You get knocked down a number of times and you get up with the uncertainty of an ending. The strength that you think is your last won't be your last. It will keep on increasing without you noticing. Until you have enough strength to go on. Yes, to go on - again and again and again.

There are times when I think I'm getting on weakly. Too weakly, that is. I barely even recognize the fact that, wow, I'm actually getting by. And then people applaud me for being invincible which gives me a weird feeling because being the one - if not the only one - who knows what I'm going through, I know how I'm putting up a fight. And to be honest, there are days when I feel like I'm only standing up because there's nothing to choose from. Which for me isn't really a sign of strength... but the otherwise.

I cry, too. I cry in front of people who know I'm a well of tears. I break down in front of people who didn't even think I could be such a mess. I cry in times when I don't know how I could remain brave and yet couldn't handle defeat. And then there I go again, picking up the pieces. Because really, what other options do I have?

Signs of weakness. Or weakness in its utter self.

But I'm still here. I fell down a hundred times, will definitely fall down a thousand times more and I'm still managing to stand up. One day, I hope I start to appreciate this ability to beat life sucker punch to sucker punch. And that I will be able to use it not only to selfishly make sense of what's happening around me but also to lift people up who are inches before the ground. Even better? I pray that I can be other people's strength in their moments of weakness, especially in moments that I am capable.

Tagalog to (mostly) para maintindihan mo! Haha

Hindi ako fan ni Jane kahit noong nasa Outside World pa siya. Oo't noong nakita ko ang Star Magic Catalogue 2011 nagGM pa ako na siya ang pinakamanda dun peru hanggang dun lng yun. Gaya ng lahat, nagulat akong nag-audition pala siya at ngayon nga'y naging isa sa mga housemates ng Pinoy Big Brother All In.

Simula pa lang ng edisyong ito, tampulan na si Jane ng hindi magagandang komento sa loob at labas ng bahay. Plastik daw. Playing safe. Malandi. At madalas hindi daw tumutugma ang mga salita sa gawa.

-Plastik nga ba siya?

Para sa akin? Oo. Lahat naman tayo plastik. O nagiging plastik sa mga sitwasyong hindi pa natin alam sa una kung paano harapin. That's what we never realize - kasama ang pagiging plastik sa buong pagkatao natin... sa buong pagkatao ni Jane. Para sa inyo ba naging totoo si Nichole Baranda when she talked behind Jane's back? Naging totoo ba ang ibang housemates habang pinag-uusapan si Michelle tungkol sa pagiging mapapel nito? Answers will vary, of course.

-Playing safe ba si Jane?

Ganung punto pa rin ang tatahakin ko. Hindi ba naging playing safe si Fifth sa mga panahong hindi niya inamin ang pagiging bisexual niya? Playing safe ba si Jacob at Vickie kasi wala naman silang ginawa sa bahay kundi magpacute? O baka naman sadyang may mga pagkakataong mas pipiliin natin kung saan tayo ligtas, kung saan tayo sigurado. Hindi ba nga ganun din ang ginawa ni Maris na pinili si Nichole over Loisa and Loisa over Daniel in two separate instances sa kagustuhang maging Big Winner? Maaaring playing safe si Jane kasi artista siya pero meron bang nakakita sa kanya sa inuupahang bahay nila na walang camera?

-Malandi ba si Jane?

Depende. Kanya-kanya kasi tayong depinisyon sa pagiging malandi. Kapag nagholding hands ba, malandi na? Kapag nagyakapan, malandi na? Kapag lage bang magkasama, naglalandian na? In Jane's case, maaaring napapalibutan lang siya ng mga self-righteous na tao o mga taong sadyang in-touch sa pagiging relihiyoso, o sa mga nagpiplaying safe kasi ayaw mahusgahan ng manonood at ayaw ma-evict o mga housemate na nakikisawsaw at sumasang-ayon na lang sa sinasabi ng nakararami para hindi manominate. Sa totoo lang, all of the above.

-Madalas nga bang hindi tumutugma ang sinasabi ni Jane sa kanyang mga kilos?

Oo. Lalo na noong sinabi niyang nagulat siyang umamin si Joshua na mahal siya nito. Hindi naman siya mukhang nagulat nun. At hindi rin yun kagulat gulat. Pero sinong housemate ba ang consistent sa pagtugma ng kilos at salita? Tugma ba ang pag-oo ni Jayme sa Nude Painting Challenge sa paghindi niya rito matapos makausap ang ama? Boses ba ni Jayme ang humindi sa huli? O boses ng ama niya? Naging tugma ba ang pagsabi ni Cess na "nagpapakatotoo lang ako" sa hindi niya pagkompronta kay Jane sa kung anumang issue meron siya kay Jane?

Maraming pagkakamali si Jane sa loob ng bahay ni Kuya. Mga pagkakamaling higit na nakikita ng mga taongbayan kumpara sa pagkakamali ng ibang housemate kasi sa kabuuan ng edisyong ito, kamalian niya lang ang pinapansin ng mga housemates. Meron bang nakapansin sa mga sakrispisyo niya para sa pamilya? Meron bang hindi humusga bago nagbigay ng payo? Was there someone who made an effort to look beyond her touchy-ness and narcissisim? Wala.

Walang ibang ginawa ang mga housemate kundi ipagdiinan ang mga kakulangan o mga kalabisan ni Jane. Na hinayaan lang ni Big Brother because ABS-CBN is making a show out of her innocence. Minsan ba ipinakitang pinayuhan ni Big Brother si Jane na umiwas kay Joshua like what he did to Loisa? Tell me kasi siguro hindi ko napanood ang episode na yun.

Kung iisipin, baka siya ang pinakanagpakatotoo sa lahat ng housemates. Ilang beses na sinabihang malandi, pero harutan pa rin harutan kasama si Joshua. Siya na rin yata ang pinakamatapang. Ilang beses siyang na-nominate. Ilang beses na hindi iniligtas ng ibang housemates sa nominasyon when they had the chance to at mag-isang nailigtas ang sarili matapos mapanalunan ang Insta Save.

That's why she's my big winner. Si Daniel sinave ni Vickie nang binigyan sila ng pagkakataong pumili ng ililigtas sa nominasyon. Si Vickie naman ang pinili ni Daniel. Niligtas naman ni Loisa si Maris. Jane didnt rely her fate to anyone, to the fake friendships she has inside the house. She became part of the Big 4 purely by being herself and the people's faith in her.

Ang sarap sana panoorin na napagtagumpayan niya ang contest mag-isa kasi obvious namang walang may gusto sa kanya. At kahit ilang beses pilit binago ng malilinis na housemates, hindi nagbago o hindi nagbago agad. Kasi ang pagbabago hindi naman yun pinipilit sa sarili at hindi din yun basta-basta nalang nangyayari dahil lang pinagpipilitan ng ibang tao. At mas lalong hindi lageng nangyayari yan sa loob lamang ng 119 days.

Maris was surely a viable candidate for the Big Winner title. What put me off is when she said "sana hindi ko na lang ginalingan sa challenge" after knowing Manolo, Daniel, Jane and Vickie weren't truly evicted. Sinabi ba yan ni Jane noong mag-isa niyang sinubukang iligtas ang sarili sa nominasyon habang lahat ng housemates may tig-i-isang partner? Kung gusto mong manalo, dapat ibigay mo lahat ano't anuman ang mangyari, kahit ano pa ang kahantungan ng effort mo.

And I am okay Daniel being the big winner. Bago pa man nagkaroon ng Big 4, siya, si Maris at Jane ang gusto kong maging Big Winner. But Daniel was something less than angry but also less than reasonable while thinking Vickie voted her out. And he had the advantage of reconciling with Vickie after Big Brother let him see the actual nomination. If only every housemate had that chance only Daniel had which I think is a first in PBB history. If only Jane had that chance.

Yes, it's true, andaming sinakripisyo ni Daniel, pero ganun din naman si Jane. Did she have these many bashers before entering PBB house? I don't think so. She sacrificed an image na baka hindi kayanin gawin ni Kathryn Bernardo. Masipag si Daniel, ganun din si Jane. Pinakisamahan ni Daniel ang lahat, pero pinakisamahan din ni Jane ang lahat ng may ayaw sa kanya. More than anyone, she deserved to be the big winner.

Anyway, kanya-kanyang desisyon tayo, kanya-kanyang rason. To each his own. At naitanghal na kagabi ang Big Winner and we can no longer alter it. But what we can learn from all of these is that we live in a diversified world. We are diverse people. We don't exist with clones. We will make mistakes that not another person will make. Another person will make mistakes that we may not make in our lifetime. We will lack in some things that overflow in others. And vice versa. But like Director Cathy Garcia-Molina said, "kanya-kanyang buhay yan." And we're not here to watch so we can judge. We're here to observe, to undestand and inluence each other in a good way.

Now, that Jane is out let's forgive her for being who she is. Naforgive naman natin si Anne Curtis sa pagiging bastos. At si Vice sa mga hindi nakakatuwang hirit niya kay Jessica Soho at Nancy Binay. At si Maja sa pagiging maharot. At si Lyca sa pagkakapanalo sa The Voice without deserving it.

To Jane, congratulations! You'll go places, dear. Keep it real! Big winner ka para sa marami. You're a success story, so to speak.

Dear You,

Hi! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. I wish you really are happy today because apart from the given fact that it's all what we strive for, you deserve it.

You're 21 now. I heard you were supposed to throw the first party you wanted for yourself. But now that you're 21, I expect you to be mature enough to understand that life doesn't pretty much go the way we want it. There will be alterations in the path we pave. There will be twists in the fate we already have imagined. There will be change in plans. There will become different new ways to live and survive this life. One day, ( God knows how soon) you'll be at your party. The party you've imagined to be filled with baby blues, cotton candy pinks, happy but shy yellows, and catchy chartreuse. Your life will be celebrated by your friends in one evening. You want that, right? Even just for a night, you wanna feel special to people who are, in turn, special to you. Worry not. In this lifetime, you can expect to feel that. You'll also get to play with Holi powder again. The finest of its kind. And you'll get to throw yourself wildly to The Royal Concept's We're On Our Way or to Kyle Andrew's Sushi.

It's been a difficult journey for you, I know. You'd been dipped underwater. You'd been tossed into a bed of thorns. You always had been thrown high up by peole who promised to catch you on your way back, only to see yourself broken when you've fallen. Buy hey, you survived them all. You've been cut to bits like a piece of cloth but you've always managed to stitch yourself back together. Be proud of yourself! I am.

Lately, I felt that you're extremely exhausted. You've been attempting to pause your breathing because it's starting to feel like the air you breathe is poison. And every breath you take, takes yourself away from you. You just wanna put your life on hold. Darling, you know that's not the way it works down here. You know you're gonna have to fight. Isn't that what you have been doing all your life?

Life is not the enemy here. There are enemies in life that are put out for you to knock down. It gets far too tiresome. Right. But that's only because the more you age, the higher the power given to your villains. How's that? Not that I'm trying to scare you because you've had that clue for a while now. The positive thing about it is that the higher the power given to villains, the higher the power given to the hero, too. To the heroine, if you prefer that. You see? Regardless of gender, you're given as high power as your villains have. You have experiences you can look back to in case you need something to trigger you to combat. You have loved ones who will support you; maybe not always in the way we want to but always in the way they're meant to.

You can't always think of your family and friends as drosophilas who'll hover around you, so much in their interest. So, perhaps, you can think of them as the positive energy that electrifies your nerves so that it causes you to spark... And then to sizzle... And then to BLAZE.

Now, that's inspiration! Life has got all that covered for you. Since the first of July in the year 1993, you are left to your own devices.

The question now is, why am I reminding you these? Why, out of the blue, I thought of engaging myself in what I can't decide to be a written dialogue or soliloquy? Well, first, because there's always this kid in you that will need guidance, enlightenment and empowerment. The baby in you that will long for comfort. The little damsel inside of you that will seek saving. Second, this world will get crazy and you'll one day grope for all of that and people you expect to provide all of that to you become locked up against a wall of itangibility. Who are you left with? Me.

We're all in this together. You. And me. Both of us. I haven't figured it all out yet but I'll do more than my best to be your light. Okay, go ahead and grumble at times but don't grow too impatient with life. You've been saying it a lot that you're hanging on by a thin, thin thread. But just keep on hanging on, please. Think of how God understands whatever it is you're going through.

If you die, I die too. So, you gotta fight. You gotta survive. You're gonna have to flourish. Million more generations will come after ours has gone extinct; we're not gonna be here to witness that. You've always narcissistically seen yourself as amazing. Almost each waking day you devote to being amazing. Might as well flourish so you'll be safe in the knowledge that the generations to come turn out to be forces to be reckoned with. Fabulous, maybe a lil rad, but yes, amazing like you.

Here's to never growing up, Julius! We'll get to party, soon. Happy birthday! Luv ya!

xoxo,
Yourself

I'm a murderer. I do not go about killing the traditional ways, though. No swords, no guns, no bow and an arrow. Not even a rock and a slingshot. It's one of the witchy ways, only minus the needles, the cauldrons, and voodoo dolls. I only use words. I kill people with my words.

But there is not a pattern followed in particular, no routines. It's always instantaneous. At times, I even end up surprising myself about this peculiar ability. Although, I have to say I like it.

I like how I can hurt people's insides. Oh, the adrenaline I get from seeing how I can torture their emotions. It is exciting to hear people at loss with words, ending up in a shut mouth. Nothing else gives me the same kind of electricity than this. It's amazing!

To clear the obfuscation though, I like being the murderer that I am neither for the reason that my ego relishes on it too much nor because I'm too concerned about being the one who's right, who's making a point, who's making the right point. I thrive by how being the one who isn't afraid to say things bluntly or upfront feeds me. The thing is, I just do it when I feel like wanting people to come to a stage of rethinking. Sometimes, people become unreal even to themselves. They hold things back inside them to comply, to conform, to follow. My belief is, we're not born for that.

So, the killing has to go on. Even if at the end of the day, I may end up killing myself as well.

You wanna speak up to know but you're too afraid to be too pushy. You wanna know your place but some people leave your question a vagabond. I hear my heart screaming but I guess the world succumbs to its self-indulgent ears; at least at times. It's just hard when you thought silence can always be a friend. And it turns out to be an even bigger nemesis. And for the first time in a long time, I have come to—in the tiniest bit—loathe silence. Likewise, hate the fact that silence can be a form of dishonesty.

People will always have something to say about us however we may act, however we may behave. And oftentimes, they'd think they're right about their opinions. If you say something, they'd think you're rather defensive. If you don't, justice will only be served if they are able to speak to Jesus.

That is if they believe in Jesus.

Every once in a while, we get entangled with mistakes we didn't really commit. We are accused of saying words that didn't really come out our mouths. And there are times when it's your friends or people dear to you who condemn you. Which just adds insult to injury. (I couldn't imagine if it comes from someone in the family. I can only pray nothing like that actually happens.)

How do we actually get out of a wrong pit we are thrown out to? Do we scream "hey, i'm not supposed to be in here!"? How do we tell people they are wrong, if the accusers got the whole nine yards backing them up, accepting the same judgment without hesitation, and your only supporter is in an invisible, intangible heaven?

It was raining one afternoon when I thought of all of this. Not that I'm trying to imply that something like this happened to me recently but in this lifetime, I have at least, for once, been put in a similar situation. This excruciating thoughts brought me once more to that day I was accused of taking something I really didn't take. I can still remember how I complained to my mom about it, teary-eyed, desperate for an almost impossible earthly justice. But then God proved he is always the nice god he is, the thing I was accused of taking was found and who hid it (not really take it) was also found out. It wasn't really relief I felt after that. I can't even remember thanking God for the justice rightly served.

It was, for one, uneasiness.

I don't even have to say a word. God knows what I'm talking about.

It all started in school. After two years of being a college drop-out, I decided to pursue my course again. I had nothing else in mind other than my survival because school is not cool at all for me. Then there was you, sitting silent on that one chair, from the opposite side. My eyes lit up. The room lit up. And the Earth has never been that bright.

Needless to say-but I'm going to say it anyway-I'm gay, and assuming you'd also like me is altogether crazy and hilarious. I'm not sure if at least for once you thought I was trying to catch your attention, but to be perfectly honest, that's something I tried so hard not to do. On a previous blog entry, I shared how at first my friends laugh at the fact that I didn't know your name regardless of the fact that I can describe you from head to toe pretty well. Until I came to know it and my stalking on Facebook started. I don't particularly like the word stalking because it kind of puts things in a negative light. It was admiration. Part of it was to try to get to know you in ways I can so far allow myself. Then, I knew you were on Ask.fm which didn't really make up most of how our story or maybe, my story of you went but what happened on that site of cowardice (that's what I like to call Ask.fm) can pretty much sum up everything.

I need to blurt this out because while there are feelings you can't nurture, there certainly are feelings you can't contain.

Of course, we have. But was I so stupid to ask you anonymously only to tell you who I am in the end?

I watched the earth in its pitch blackness

with the sky embellished with scintillating stars.

I watched them glimmer at me

as I breathed the freshest breeze of dawn.

I watched the sky slowly lose the stars

and turn into a bluish darkness.

I listened to the haphazard crowing of the kings of each mornings.

Some vivid, some muffled by the distance.

I listened to what seemed like struggling of birds.

Because in the darkness, you can only imagine.

I watched the sky turn into a clearer blue

until a rooster, from its beak to its feet, become visible.

I watched the earth brighten;

Albeit the sun yet unseen.

The the night is now the morning.

I watched and listened to a new beginning unfolding.